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to lose my muse

by ella and sage

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1.
its free 03:54
its easy to love you, ill show you, its free all i need you to do is show you to me sure i can be in my own time and space but i want to know you like i know my face you are a beautiful bright blinding sun my love will go blind if i keep my distance sometimes it feels easy, sometimes its so hard it seems like i found you, then i dont know where you are
2.
cat tongue 04:27
could the cat get your tongue out? could you move into her mouth? could you reason why? could the cat get your tongue high? did the cat pull your tongue out? did you fool a reason? what if wet drip was a spy? would the cat get your tongue high? finding all i see, in the strangest places i'm meant to be there's a noose around this longing pain there's a linger crouching in my brain i'll be the sane in you, you want the same... did the cat get your tongue out? did you move from her mouth? did you reason why? did the cat get your tongue high? did the cat pull your tongue out? did you fool a reason? what if wet drip was a spy? would the cat get your tongue high? teaching to say your words... well, you saw what you sought now you caught the curse oh yell, peter pan is alright pitiful patterns at night you already know everything you thought just watch it play out and patiently walk... but did you come around for me, my lady? when the cat crawled in and got you lazy? when the cat got your tongue out when you moved into her mouth when you reasoned why when the cat got your tongue high when the cat pulled your tongue out when you fooled a reason could you feel my fever, when the car crash saved her??? why, the tears so shy? why, the words i say? why, the world in crumbles... begin to pray begin to pray
3.
the past is a witch, it'll eat you up the past has passed, so just give up the past is warm, it invites you to soak theres comfort there, but you gotta let it go everything that comes will go you will lose everything you know time and time again youll be shown that who you think you are right now is not who you have always been and there will come a time for you to lose yourself again the future is already gone it happens now, but not for long the future welcomes you to choose what to do, but its not true theres no one living this life everyone you have been has died it should be no surprise that who you think you are right now is not who you have always been and there will come a time for you to lose yourself again
4.
lou train 04:23
so long my lou train so long, my lou so long my lou train! so long, my lou! so you get me on your tracks again! then you wipe me off your tracks and then, somehow i wind up in your shoes! so long my lou! so long my lou train so long, my lou so long my lou train! so long, my lou! i was unopposed to let you know... i was unopposed to let you go... i was unopposed to let you in! now, you can go!! so long my lou train so long, my lou! growing, going going, going gone! growing, growing, going, going, gone!!
5.
fever 05:38
ive got a fever babe its bendin my brain guess im sick again in the same room ive always been in ive got a parasite and its eatin at my mind problems simple babe i think that im livin in time somethin so godly about bein so oddly without a sense of where the line is between without and within no sense of what time is and where i end or begin im disillusioned babe im causin myself pain and when i look within sometimes all i find is your name yes im paranoid and im a little boy im askin bout your plans but i dont even know who i am and if it gets too hard you look at where you are you could run instead but everything happens on the edge
6.
holy land 08:48
the holy land is not holy this is holy, only this is holy isnt this what youve been waiting for your whole life honey? now that were all here, what can we do? were not that hungry he knows your story he does want do be disturbed what is it that youve been wanting? is it here yet honey? you can keep your pictures, now you see theyre alive and running were born in pain, we die in pain our whole lives we chase and run from pain did it hurt when you took your last breath? who took it from you? does it hurt now that your body left? your body left you i hardly knew you, i did not need to somehow my whole life is because of you ma ema sh'lach (what is your mother) without her body who birthed who? what is this place from which we are born and all return to? you are in middle school, you are an infant somehow your whole life is gone in an instant the moment you are born youre already dead youre gone now honey the pictures hold you still youre getting married, you look so lovely youre getting married and you look so lovely your report card says no shortcomings and youre gone now youre gone
7.
i've travelled far far and wide for your heart it was all light until that night you pushed me far and you pushed me away i cannot stay i can't delay and all your hidden sorrow no tomorrow no today you pushed me away i cannot stay i can't delay what's happening to me? what's happening to you? we made a promise you and i i'm so sick of promising a lie! watch the white flowers grow silent in my head
8.
silence is 05:24
your silence is a slow poison it slips and it seeks an eclipse in my mind your silence is a blood bath in my mouth and your wandering house feels unkind your silence is an acute sudden ridge and your fishin' for does feels blind your silence is... and she says... my silence is my true savior to lure a closer love with confidence my silence is... my silence has kept my heart from the pits made me better for worse my silence is... and we're just two rolling stones on the road that we thought we could skip but, we bought ourselves time and we're just two rolling stones on the road that we thought we could skip but, we still doin' time... i'm wondering, how did you see the light in me? i'm teasing you, you're teasing me clover didn't mean to step on your toes, but everytime you go i'm leaving you... still you're cold and baby still, im feedin' you, clover soul suckers and leavers! got something to teach us! ms. and mr. believer doin' time!!!!!
9.
just when i think that i found my focused, bowing center i look over my... shoulder again somehow it seems shes always here in my periphery making me wonder... is she waiting for me? really all that i want is to be seen as myself as if being myself... depends on someone else can i choose to lose my muse? no context no second guess no request
10.
how much further can i go? what if i've already hurt too many people? with my love, where do i go from here? when in love, where do i go from there? when my tendencies are a plenty, when my tender seas wont calm, what if i've distorted form into a storm? what of my wake conforms to the norm, these days? oh, these days i wanna make love to you and the war in me
11.
baby ive been confused i thought that i could lose you and if i wonder too long i fear that i may know as you never came you will never go what is it? what i want... what is it i want? liberation or... longing for you babe? this love affair with memory and fantasy or the timeless true love of actuality? now i see how to love to choose to love is enough i cannot find love in desires that dont exist theres only reciprocity in loving what is
12.
who is i? 05:40
things pass by before your eyes sometimes before you realize and when its time to say goodbye love comes back again death is birth, death is life surrender is not sacrifice nothing ever happens twice life is always here all those things so hard to say i never said them anyway and who am i now today? who knows who i am? who is i who knows who i am?

about

can i choose to lose my muse?

credits

released November 7, 2017

recorded by vaughn montgomery at greater goods in ojai california in the heat of summer 2017
final mixes and mastering by taylor fulton, into the fall of 2017

cameron schubert on cello
josh moreau on bass
eric sullivan on electric guitar
vaughn montgomery on keys
sage stoneman on percussion
ollie cornell on harmonica
back-up vocals by brie o'neill, connor jones, and vaughn montgomery

all songs written and performed by

ella anderson (tracks 2,4,7,8,10)
sage stoneman (tracks 1,3,5,6,9,11,12)

artwork by ella anderson

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ella and sage Ojai, California

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